Amanda's space

I’ve brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and remember me. ~ the Sufi poet, Rumi

Journal

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This is just a journal.  It is mine.  I have no desire to harm anyone and have done everything I can to show that.  This is just for me.  I have no desire to involve anyone or pick on anyone.  I see the stats on readers and the RSS feed.  It is beginning to feel a little like a cat and mouse game.  Why not just see this for what it is and just leave me alone?  This is just the truth and one can’t make facts go away. It is there- it happened.

The only way he could deal with and justify what he had done to me is to vilify me and stab me in the back and say the things he said.  On top of what he did.  Way to go, Greg.  Now go live with yourself.

Written by amanda

June 2, 2014 at 12:48 am

WILLINGNESS

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In the willingness to feel,
there is healing. In the 
choice not to closet, cast
aside or deny experience,
energy is freed, and I 
dive deeper into life.

There may be maturity in
choosing not to act, but
there are no rewards for
suppression and denial.

To be fully alive is saying
yes to the wide array of
human feelings. When I
soften, release and breathe,
I discover I am more than
what I think, feel, reason,
or believe.

By Danna Faulds

I did it right.  And I am the better off for it.  That was devastating. Brutal, cruel and manipulative.  There were those who hated hearing the truth, but the truth is what grew me to who I am now.   Amanda

Written by amanda

May 16, 2014 at 7:11 pm

Wisdoms from strangers

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My day ended yesterday with a smile – at the kindness and good that I know still is there, all over the world.  A lovely man found me and wrote a wonderfully down to earth (my kind of person!), gentle and respectful email.  It seems he has been following my blog from very early on.  He says he never commented or contacted me because he understood that it was a personal journey and he knew that it is something I had to do on my own.  Until now when he could see that I have found my peace – that I have great resources within me to deal with the aftershock waves that continued for a while.  In a way, this too feels a little bit like part of those waves – but he means well.  And I am grateful.   He offered me a little “crash course” in the kind of people who are out there and what they can do to us.   (I had to look up some of the terms he used.)  I told him that I have had my crash course.  I am a more and better version of myself and continue to learn – because I am open.   A great sense of humour, this guy.  And such wisdom.   Go well, friend.  I thank you.  And yet another confirmation, as I see around me every single day, of the good in every person I know and I meet.  We all fight battles.  We just try not to do it at someone else’s expense.

Like every heart on this planet, I have a bruise or two on mine.  And it is also filled with peace and love and gratitude.  And a big, big smile.

Om Shanti Om

 

Written by amanda

April 21, 2014 at 11:11 am

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“We are not going in circles, we are going upwards. The path is a spiral; we have already climbed many steps.”

~Herman Hesse

This caught my eye and I would like to share this.  Limiting beliefs – that we all have in some form or another – can limit our vision and sometimes make us feel asif we are just going in circles.  Do yourself a favour and look back at how much you have learnt and grown.  It is always there.  Keep learning.  Keep growing.  Even if it doesn’t always feel like it.  ♥

Om Shanti Om ~ may you have peace

Written by amanda

April 19, 2014 at 9:38 am

Wahine

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After class today and the students started leaving one remained, sitting quietly on her mat, eyes closed.  I went to sit next to her not saying anything.

Without opening her eyes, she said:  “You are powerful.  You are a powerful Wahine“.  I felt humbled, and I felt so much gratitude flowing through me.  Those words were just the right words for me, for that moment.  I remembered times when I had felt so tired, so overwhelmed, so vulnerable for such a long time.  Everything fell into place.  I knew that she was right.

Thank you, Moana – from the bottom of my heart.  I am glad to be part of your journey.

Om Shanti Om

Mere Gurudev  ~  Krishna Das

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1LnVFMNnSs 

Written by amanda

March 8, 2014 at 4:59 pm

The Karmic Circle

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The karmic circle http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/09/08/the-holy-fck-break-up-guide/ Saw this on facebook and am just smiling.  So many things in there that are just so true – for all of us.  I did notice, the three reasons for the break up she gives, were all three  true in my case.  It was pretty bad – pretty full on.   I’m also happy to say that, reading this, I went about it in a good, normal and healthy way.  And ended up with no regrets, no resentment, and having even more confidence and belief in myself now than before.

I am happy.  My life has been taking shape exactly how I want to live it.   And so many really great things have been happening.   I am beginning to  connect with others again without the fear and I am fully independent again, prospering now even more than ever before.  I will be off to Bali soon to further my teacher training.  Nepal after that.  Where I thought at the hurt stage that my life can never be right again, I can only say it is even better now.  I have been through so much.  I am grateful for what I have learned.  And most of all, I am grateful that I stayed true to myself.   And I re-learned what I learned when I was a child:  things never stay the same.  If something happens to make you feel your life as you know it is over, just wait.  And even if it is different, it gets better.  I am finding out now that the hurt of someone you trusted and loved betraying you like that, never does go away.  You just find a place to put it where it doesn’t hurt that much.

But then, what did I really lose?  A guy who is in reality nothing like he pretended to be.  I was completely open and honest and he repaid that with dishonesty, lies and later cruelty and more lies.  On his planet, it is good to lie through your teeth to get what you want.  A guy who ingratiates himself with women who would support him so that he can live the way he wants to – and from what I’m still hearing and saw for myself, treats them with very little respect.  I consider myself very fortunate to have escaped that kind of life.  Much as I missed him – and then again – who did I really cry for?  A person who doesn’t exist?

I am not a hater or a resentful person and I most certainly will not allow what you did to me to turn me into one.  I have forgiven you a long time ago because I won’t let your actions sour my life.  I walked a hard, hard road for a long time because of what you did.  And I made sure to stay true to who I am.  A woman with love in her heart.  I am a giving, loving person and I won’t let you change that.  I believe that is the reason I have been able to get through this and to move on and most importantly, to flourish and prosper and become even more now.   I believe it is the severity of this that helped me do that.  And my willingness to learn.  And to forgive.  That is what sets me free.

His betrayal doesn’t lie only in the obvious – having a relationship with me, planning for a future together, while being with another woman, saying word for word the same things to her as to me.  His betrayal has many layers.  My simple, normal sense of decency was very offended that he would make me a part of deceit like that.  Of his lies.  His betrayal also lies in his misrepresentation of what he really is like.  He painted an entirely different character to me than what he really is.  Said things he thought I wanted to hear – in our many, many conversations about life and one’s views.  His betrayal also lies in his painting me something different to what I am, just so that he could save himself.  This is a man I utterly believed in.  It is deeply offensive to me that he sneaked out of another relationship to be with me.  He didn’t tell her he is leaving her – just that he is going on a trip.  That also means that he kept his options open.  To “try me/my life out”.  Then, when it was too hard for him here, just went back and picked up as if nothing had happened.  Human beings, with hearts and lives and emotions.  To him, things.   Interchangeable spare parts that he could try out and use for himself.

This thing very nearly destroyed me.  But I hung on to the thought that one day, one day, I will feel better.  That is what gave me strength and what pulled me through.

Just as another writer says:  “I write out my heart to heal. I write to be well. I write to be whole.  I also write to heal others. I believe that sharing my losses, my experiences and my sources of strength can be beneficial to others.”

“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.” ~ Unknown     I believed in you.  Completely.  

Written by amanda

September 9, 2013 at 5:12 pm

Disambiguation

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This has got to go down as one of the biggest disappointments of my life.  I can honestly say that.   And thankfully I don’t have many.  But I have no regrets.  There was nothing at all that I could have done differently or better – except insist on answers.  But I feel I did what any healthy, normal woman in love would have done.  So, no regrets.  I have come to terms with it and am moving on with my life.  I hope I am the better and the richer for it.  I miss what we had – even though now I know it was false and based on lies.

People who know me very well know that I have spent a lifetime looking at the stars and the moon.  Through my life they have heard all my hopes and dreams.  In the time I knew you, they heard all that I hoped for.  Now I feel distant from my sky.  I hope, I hope that one day these wonderful sentient beings will take on their old familiar meaning for me again.

I don’t know anyone who would do that to me – to anyone else.  It takes a particular kind of person.  I get along with people, treat them with kindness and respect, so I get so much of that in return.  It says so much about you that you would do that to someone like me.

And I wish you well, Greg.  I do hope you find what you are looking for.  What you are doing is causing you – and others – a lot of pain.  Just learn – don’t do what you have to do at someone else’s expense.  Simple fact is – you won’t find it then.  How does making choices like these make your life better?  Maybe time to shift the paradigm?  It can be done – I know what I’m talking about.  It does take courage – you might see things you don’t like.  It takes courage to figure out what really matters to you and not just accept what has been drummed into your head by others – and hurt you with that – and to change that.  ““There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”  C.G. Jung –  Collective Consciousness

Written by amanda

March 8, 2013 at 8:52 pm

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