Sometimes we stare so much at a door that has closed that we may miss all the other doors that are open
And I did, for a while. But that is what I needed to do – to process what happened. What this did to me. All along I knew that while it hurts – more than anything – the time will come when I will have clarity. Accepting that you were not who I thought you were. That was incredibly hard.
I thought that you have robbed me of so much, Greg. But I realised that you have enriched me and taught me so much. I have always said to you that I think I can learn a lot from you. Just never imagined it would be in this way. I stumbled on our emails – I had removed them off my computer long ago and cruelly it seems to still have kept them. Couldn’t help reading some of it. The dreams we dreamt, plans we were making. The way you spoke to me. Your telling me how much I would like it there. I feel that you really meant that. But maybe you were just priming me. Who knows? It is not for me to wonder any more. It’s done. Water under the bridge. I would never have believed that one day you would be only a memory. You just are whatever it is that you are. Looking back, I feel it almost certain that this is not the first time you have done something like this – hurt someone for dishonest reasons. I can now see signs of that. You need help. I mean that in a very sincere way. You are false and empty and entirely self serving. That’s what you have shown me. As I’m sure everyone sees – at some point or another. A master at deception – especially yourself! You choose to be that. How does that make your life good, fulfilling, satisfying? What do you think when you are in your most alone moments? Shift the paradigm. It’s up to you.
I spent a lot of time struggling – I wanted to be with compassion and understanding. And that has helped me unbelievably. But who am I kidding? I was so angry with you. For lying to me. For making me a nasty little secret. For categorising me into a little box – making me something I am NOT. Just so that you could feel better about yourself. For taking something that could have been so good and doing with it what you did. For living our dream with someone else. I was angry for the terrible things you were saying behind my back and I was angry that it was you saying it. I was innocent in this, Greg. You led the whole process – lying and deceiving me just as much. More. Because there are things about you that you kept from me that one can only know from living with you, that I know now. You turned so harsh. Placing your guilt on me. All that has done now is that it has left me with the knowledge of what kind of man you are. For the way you started treating me – although now that I know more about you, it sounds like that is the way you roll. And once I knew what you had done, I was deeply saddened and hurt that you disrespected my home, my hospitality, my trust and my heart like you did. And I was so, so angry with myself that I was missing you despite all this. And once I acknowledged how angry I was, I started finding peace. And recognising the joy that is still there in my life. Despite all of this. Once I was able to turn my eyes outward again, I started getting perspective again. When I started meeting people again who do have integrity – and the people who are already there in my life. People who are happy and don’t look at the world through damaged eyes. For whom integrity isn’t even an issue. It is simply there. Treating those around them with simple respect and integrity. People who have the depth of character and maturity to know and understand consequences of behaviour like yours. Truth is, I don’t know anyone else who behaves like you do – the real person I met. I think of you – with so much sadness. I have given up trying so hard not to think of you. The man I thought you were will always be in my heart. That is something I have to accept and live with. There is so much promise for me. I am building meaningful relationships with people who appreciate me and appreciate what I have to offer. I’ve taken these lessons and I am happy. I am so glad I never lost my faith in the good.
The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt. ~ Frederick Buechner