After class today and the students started leaving one remained, sitting quietly on her mat, eyes closed. I went to sit next to her not saying anything.
Without opening her eyes, she said: ”You are powerful. You are a powerful Wahine“. I felt humbled, and I felt so much gratitude flowing through me. Those words were just the right words for me, for that moment. I remembered times when I had felt so tired, so overwhelmed, so vulnerable for such a long time. That was the moment I knew. I am healed. Everything fell into place. I knew that she was right.
Thank you, Moana – from the bottom of my heart. I am glad to be part of your journey.
Om Shanti Om
Ma Durga – Sita’s Prayer ~ Krishna Das
To the wonderful people who contact me and offer your support, I thank you. But I stay with my decision of closing this blog. I am simply distancing myself from poisonous and negative behaviour. I want nothing to do with them. Ironically, I have been intending to do this for a long time and just didn’t get around to it. Thank you for your concern too. As far as the threats of legal action go, I can substantiate every thing I said in here. And I would have been quite willing to, if I felt it judicious to do so. Threats of attacking my business are already very much out in the open – there is a large number of people who are aware of these threats. The sites where I am aware I have been stalked are aware of the full background and they have been very helpful.
If you have no more depth than a fish pond, well yes. Then you won’t be able to see that this blog is not about him – ah, bless that ego. It is about my process. My journey.
For people of a particular mindset, this would be hard to understand – but I really am grateful. What he did, did teach me a lot. And I am much more happy and at peace now than ever before, as a direct result of all this. What brought the most clarity for me was not only everything that he had done but most importantly how he reviles me behind my back. I didn’t need any more insight than that. (Me – jilted? Is that what he is telling you?) If there was still a remnant of wanting to hold on to any little bit of good he might have, you killed it lady. And I thank you for that. Really. You did good.
The kind of man most people respect takes responsibility for his actions. Not one who plays the victim and uses and hides behind women who enable that behaviour. And it says as much about you, Greg, as it does about her that she would attack a person whom you have hurt so deeply. We are constant advertisements of ourselves. I’m still a little baffled by her intention, calling me names, sending pictures of you two, gloating, threatening me. Insecurity? Possibly. Tacky for sure. Seems to me you have found someone who suits you well. You, like everyone else on this planet, want to be held in high regard, loved and be able to give love. But for as long as you blame the rest of the world for your troubles, as long as you have mean and petty things to say about others, for as long as you see women as interchangeable and instruments you can use for your own purpose, you will remain dissatisfied. Unfulfilled. Just a fact.
I saw this somewhere- when you utterly trust someone you end up with one of two things: a friend for life or a lesson for life. So simple.
The disappointment in everything you have revealed about yourself and hurt was something I had to experience to underscore to me my belief in myself and what matters to me. It pointed me, again, to my star. I had lost my stride for a while. In the last almost a year I have been finding my sparkle (my mom calls it that) again. I look back and realise more and more what an enormous shock – a series of those – this little man had delivered to me. And this last one. When I thought that I would never, never have to deal with any of that again. So things are redefined for me now – it has been a long process and I do look at life differently now. But I am happy to say that I truly am wiser. My one point of light that I held on to was to not come out cynical, bitter or poisonous on the other side. While there have been times when I still felt overwhelmed with this, I still am a loving person who strives to bring light and love to those around me and to myself. Happier, stronger and flourishing with so much success – even more now than before. And with so much love coming back to me.
I simply have moved on. A long time ago. I won’t spend any more time or energy on someone who now simply is nothing more than a lesson to me. And just doesn’t have the depth to see what he does. Sadly.
There is a song, named “Little Lion Man” (Mumford and Sons):
“Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You’ll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days
Biting your own neck“
The singer won’t say much about these lyrics other than that it has something to do with a time in his past when he did something he is not very proud of.
So I thank you again – I stand by what I said. I offer to you: Silence the angry person with love. Silence the ill natured person with kindness. Silence the miser with generosity. Silence the liar with the truth. The Buddha
I have made the decision to close this blog. I have been threatened and called awful things. By someone who doesn’t have the capability to see beyond black and white only. I have made this decision because this kind of behaviour is just not part of my life.
I have the ability to see that there is blessing in this. I came very close to allowing him to disrupt my life again.
This blog started out for me to work through my feelings. It has helped me immensely. I started getting mail from other women who have been through heartbreak. I was able to, sometimes even without speaking directly to them, help someone. I am grateful for the opportunity to have been able to do that. I just told my story. It happened to me. I own it. And if what he really is like comes out in the wash, that is just what it is. The expectation clearly is that I should keep it quiet – and so aid him. I understand that it is hard to hear for the woman who undid all this. C’est la vie.
People sometimes tend to think that because they see the world in a particular way, everyone else does the same. I did hurt. You would have too. What you couldn’t see right there in plain English was that I had moved on. You are too afraid, too busy justifying yourself. Sorry to say, but the joke is on you. First prize is not what you got. I am a very fortunate and happy person. You choose to see it as negative and harmful. That is your perspective on life. And his – oh yes – I could hear his words coming out of you. You forget that I know him. As I was the writer, I know it was healing, working through real, sometimes unbearable pain. It was, and still is, my right. But your view tells a whole story. I can see all too clearly what I am dealing with here. Best to leave you to stew in your own juice.
It is my choice to turn and walk away. I can not allow that kind of poison into my life ever again.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/09/08/the-holy-fck-break-up-guide/ Saw this on facebook and am just smiling. So many things in there that are just so true – for all of us. I did notice, the three reasons for the break up she gives, were all three true in my case. It was pretty bad – pretty full on. I’m also happy to say that, reading this, I went about it in a good, normal and healthy way. And ended up with no regrets, no resentment, and having even more confidence and belief in myself now than before.
I am happy. My life has been taking shape exactly how I want to live it. And so many really great things have been happening. I am beginning to connect with others again without the fear and I am fully independent again, prospering now even more than ever before. I will be off to Bali soon to further my teacher training. Where I thought at the hurt stage that my life can never be right again, I can only say it is even better now. I have been through so much. I am grateful for what I have learned. And most of all, I am grateful that I stayed true to myself. And I re-learned what I learned when I was a child: things never stay the same. If something happens to make you feel your life as you know it is over, just wait. And even if it is different, it gets better. I am finding out now that the hurt of someone you trusted and loved betraying you like that, never does go away. You just find a place to put it where it doesn’t hurt that much.
But then, what did I really lose? A guy who is in reality nothing like he pretended to be. I was completely open and honest and he repaid that with dishonesty, lies and later cruelty and more lies. A guy who ingratiates himself with women who would support him so that he can live the way he wants to – and from what I’m still hearing and saw for myself, treats them with very little respect. I consider myself very fortunate to have escaped that kind of life. Much as I missed him – and then again – who did I really cry for? A person who doesn’t exist?
I am not a hater or a resentful person and I most certainly will not allow what you did to me to turn me into one. I have forgiven you a long time ago because I won’t let your actions sour my life. I walked a hard, hard road for a long time because of what you did. And I made sure to stay true to who I am. A woman with love in her heart. I am a giving, loving person and I won’t let you change that. I believe that is the reason I have been able to get through this and to move on and most importantly, to flourish and prosper and become even more now. I believe it is the severity of this that helped me do that. And my willingness to learn. And to forgive. That is what sets me free.
His betrayal doesn’t lie only in the obvious – having a relationship with me, planning for a future together, while being with another woman, saying word for word the same things to her as to me. His betrayal has many layers. My simple, normal sense of decency was very offended that he would make me a part of deceit like that. Of his lies. His betrayal also lies in his misrepresentation of what he really is like. He painted an entirely different character to me than what he really is. Said things he thought I wanted to hear – in our many, many conversations about life and one’s views. His betrayal also lies in his painting me something different to what I am, just so that he could save himself. This is a man I utterly believed in. It is deeply offensive to me that he sneaked out of another relationship to be with me. He didn’t tell her he is leaving her – just that he is going on a trip. That also means that he kept his options open. To “try me/my life out”. Then, when it was too hard for him here, just went back and picked up as if nothing had happened. Human beings, with hearts and lives and emotions. To him, things. Interchangeable spare parts that he could try out and use for himself.
This thing very nearly destroyed me. But I hung on to the thought that one day, one day, I will feel better. That is what gave me strength and what pulled me through.
Just as another writer says: ”I write out my heart to heal. I write to be well. I write to be whole. I also write to heal others. I believe that sharing my losses, my experiences and my sources of strength can be beneficial to others.”
“Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.” ~ Unknown I believed in you. Completely.
And I did, for a while. But that is what I needed to do – to process what happened. What this did to me. All along I knew that while it hurts – more than anything – the time will come when I will have clarity. Accepting that you were not who I thought you were. That was incredibly hard.
I thought that you have robbed me of so much, Greg. But I realised that you have enriched me and taught me so much. I have always said to you that I think I can learn a lot from you. Just never imagined it would be in this way. I stumbled on our emails – I had removed them off my computer long ago and cruelly it seems to still have kept them. Couldn’t help reading some of it. The dreams we dreamt, plans we were making. The way you spoke to me. Your telling me how much I would like it there. I feel that you really meant that. But maybe you were just priming me. Who knows? It is not for me to wonder any more. It’s done. Water under the bridge. I would never have believed that one day you would be only a memory. You just are whatever it is that you are. Looking back, I feel it almost certain that this is not the first time you have done something like this – hurt someone for dishonest reasons. I can now see signs of that. You need help. I mean that in a very sincere way. You are false and empty and entirely self serving. That’s what you have shown me. As I’m sure everyone sees – at some point or another. A master at deception – especially yourself! You choose to be that. How does that make your life good, fulfilling, satisfying? What do you think when you are in your most alone moments? Shift the paradigm. It’s up to you.
I spent a lot of time struggling – I wanted to be with compassion and understanding. And that has helped me unbelievably. But who am I kidding? I was so angry with you. For lying to me. For making me a nasty little secret. For categorising me into a little box – making me something I am NOT. Just so that you could feel better about yourself. For taking something that could have been so good and doing with it what you did. For living our dream with someone else. I was angry for the terrible things you were saying behind my back and I was angry that it was you saying it. I was innocent in this, Greg. You led the whole process – lying and deceiving me just as much as you did her. More. Because there are things about you that you kept from me that one can only know from living with you, that I know now. For the way you started treating me – although now that I know more about you, it sounds like that is the way you roll. You turned so harsh. Once you decided you had no use for this any more – when this option didn’t suit you. All that has done now is that it has left me with the knowledge of what kind of man you are. And once I knew what you had done, I was deeply saddened and hurt that you disrespected my home, my hospitality, my trust and my heart like you did. And I was so, so angry with myself that I was missing you despite all this. And once I acknowledged how angry I was, I started finding peace. And recognising the joy that is still there in my life. Despite all of this. Once I was able to turn my eyes outward again, I started getting perspective again. When I started meeting people again who do have integrity – and the people who are already there in my life. People who are happy and don’t look at the world through damaged eyes. For whom integrity isn’t even an issue. It is simply there. Treating those around them with simple respect and integrity. People who have the depth of character and maturity to know and understand consequences of behaviour like yours. Truth is, I don’t know anyone else who behaves like you do – the real person I met.
Worst of all is that you know how to pretend to be good and charming and look like you have it all together. Why not just be that? People aren’t stupid, despite what you think. It is a matter of time before they see through you. I remember listening to you making vitriolic, toxic remarks about people – I am so glad that is gone now. I have always been able to walk away from toxic people. Sometimes it takes a while, but I have always been able to do that. There is only one person who can fix you. That is you.